Dear Aunty Jane
My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years, and because of this, most of my closest friends are also his closest friends.
For the first few months of our relationship, my feelings for him were very intense, and I actually left another guy to be with him. But for some reason, I have gotten to the stage where I think I just don’t love him anymore. I don’t get excited about seeing him, I get easily irritated at him, and whenever he tries to be intimate with me I just feel uncomfortable and awkward and when he says he loves me I struggle to even look him in the eyes or say it back. Over the three and a half years together my feelings for him have fluctuated between very strong and hardly there, and I’ve had on and off feelings for other guys since less than a year into the relationship.
If I ended the relationship it would absolutely destroy him. He’s had a very difficult life and, without trying to sound big headed, I’m one of the best things that has ever happened to him and I don’t know how he would cope if I took that away.
I’m scared that if I end the relationship, our friends would choose to pick sides, and since I’m the one ending it, that they would pick him over me. I would never want them to pick sides but I’m really scared that Ill lose my friends if I chose to end the relationship. My boyfriend and I had always agreed that if we broke up we would remain friends and I would still want to be friends with him but I know its easier said than done when you’re the one who is being dumped.
The other thing is, I have really strong feelings for my best friend, who is also really close friend with my boyfriend. The three of us are actually in a band together. Ive felt like this about him for around six months now. Sometimes I am convinced he has feelings for me too, but other times I really doubt it. We can text each other for days and days and he always makes a big effort to see me and seems to really care about me and there are other things that suggest he wants to be more than friends but others that suggest to me that he doesn’t. I cant tell if it really is love he has for me or just a very close friendship. I’m scared that ‘ll lose him if I end it with my boyfriend, or if not, that I would drive him away if I told him how I really feel about him. I’ve had feelings for other guys during my relationship but this is so much more than I ever felt for them. Its gotten to the point where I can’t sleep for thinking about him, he’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, and when we are together I have to hold myself back from getting too close or touching him.
I feel so alone because I feel like I can’t talk to any of my close friends about it and I’m scared that they would hate me If they knew the truth. And what if I end up regretting it? I don’t know what to do..
It is clear to see that you do not want to be in this relationship, the kindest thing to do is to end things so your boyfriend can move forward and find someone who gives him there heart. Feelings change and people grow apart, there is no point staying with him out of pity or fear of losing friends. You say you are the best thing that has happened to him but he deserves to be with someone who gives him there heart.
As for losing your friends, this should not be the case, and if it is then they where not real friends, as you would not be doing anything wrong in ending your relationship and am pretty sure if they are good friends they will not pick sides.
As for this other guy, I think you need to give yourself some time to be single. Going from one guy to another is not healthy, you need time to be independent and just enjoy life. Plus when it comes to this other guy I genuinely think you need to stay clear off him, he is a close friend of your boyfriend, and it is just a rule between friends that you do not go there. It would hurt your boyfriend unbelievably and an act like this could actually make you lose your friends. I think you need to forget about him in a romantic sense and look at him as a friend only.